


step into the daylight and let it go

by staywithme_13



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec deals with anxiety, Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - No Powers, M/M, a hint of clizzy, a hint of jace/maia, a hint of saphael, family can love and support you and still be a pain in the ass, kinda coffee shop au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-31
Updated: 2020-01-01
Packaged: 2021-02-24 16:48:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22041199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/staywithme_13/pseuds/staywithme_13
Summary: Alec Lightwood wants to live his life peacefully. It's not always easy when dealing with anxiety, but he was doing his best. Things were working well until the day Izzy decided to set him up on a date and Alec decided to run away from it.a story about learning to respect boundaries and how people can love you and still screw things up
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 37
Kudos: 137





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this on a whim and i didn't even tell my beta about it. i was possessed when i wrote it, its the only explanation about how i wrote 10k in one sitting  
> the mistakes are all mine, because i suck at editing  
> also, this fic was kinda born of my frustration from everytime i read a fic where izzy is super nosey or pushy. nothing wrong with that, i just wanted to do my spin on things and have some clousure  
> you can find me on twitter (@staywithmemalec) and i will be tracking the tag #SITDfic

Alec was the epitome of coziness.

The heater for once didn’t give up on him, he had a blanket and a book he had been dying to read. On the coffee table, there was a mug with hot cocoa because winter break was the perfect time for the most perfect beverage ever invented.

He was so perfectly comfortable that he didn’t even bother moving when he heard keys on his front door.

“I understand that living on your own in New York is expensive, but please, consider moving to a building with a functional elevator.” Alec smiled when he heard his mother’s voice, out of breath.

“We filled a complaint and the owner promised he is going to fix it after the holidays.” Alec accepted the kiss Maryse planted on his cheek. “What brings you here?”

Maryse showed him the bag she was carrying. “Cleophas is coming for Christmas dinner and I had to go shopping for a present and I didn’t know what to get and I think I panicked for a bit.”

“Uh, the first Christmas as a couple will double with the dinner to meet the family.” Alec teased, closing his book. “Good luck.”

“I spent 20 hours in labor so you could be born into this world, so you better cut the teasing and help me decide what I will give to an ex-nun.” Maryse sat on the coffee table, grabbing his mug and taking a sip. 

Alec smiled at his mother’s antics, a warm feeling spreading on his chest. Since she started dating Luke, Maryse looked younger and more alive than ever, and it was what she deserved, after the end of her marriage.

“I would have knitted something for her, but she let us know when she was already boarding the damn plane!” Maryse continued her rant, starting to pull trinkets for the bag for Alec to examine. “This is going to be a disaster.”

“I kinda want to make a video of you right now for the next time you scold me for getting stressed over little things.”

“I am the woman who has in custody all your embarrassing childhood photos, better stay in my good graces.” She gave him a pointed look. “You never know what I can choose for the family Christmas card.”

“Jesus Christ, mom, I was kidding.” Alec laughed, sitting straighter. “Why you don’t give her a book? I think it’s the most diplomatic option.”

“Yeah, I guess I could.” Maryse was lost in thought for a second, then shook her head. “Am I being terrible? I just… with everything that is going on, it sounds so silly to be worried about this right now. I should be spending more time with my kids not doing this.”

“You deserve to have a good time on Christmas, mom.” Alec grabbed her hand. “And we are going to be there. But I have to say, you aren’t the type of person to show up on your eldest son’s doorstep because you don’t know what gift to give.”

Maryse sighed, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. “You are right. I know your relationship with your father isn’t in the best terms and I don’t want you to spend Christmas mad at him.”

“What did he do?” Alec tried to sound neutral, but couldn’t stop some coldness in his voice.

“Max is not coming for Christmas, only on the day after.” Maryse raised her hand when Alec started to talk, interrupting him. “When we opted for a divorce we knew we would have to split holidays. Max will be with us for the rest of the winter break. I know you want to be angry with Robert, and I know we had this conversation millions of times before, but some things aren’t worth hanging onto.”

“I just don’t know if I can forgive him.” Alec was honest. “I still love him, but I don’t think I can forgive him.”

“I know.” Maryse squeezed his hand. “I don’t think I will ever fully forgive him either, but at the end of the day, we had some amazing years together and we build a wonderful family.” She smiled so warmly that Alec felt something get loose on his chest. “I may not fully forgive him, but he gave me the four of you and this is enough for me to let it go.”

“It’s just…” Alec played with a loose thread on his blanket. “Before I came out we drifted apart and I thought it was because I was pushing everybody away to protect my secret. That was one of the reasons I came out to you guys and it went… good. I knew he was struggling, but he was trying and I could see it and… it made me happy, you know? I thought that we were going to patch things up. And then we found out about his cheating and he told me that it was no different of me being gay, because love is love, right?” Alec scoffed. “I don’t know, something between us broke that day.”

“Oh, baby, I’m sorry.” Maryse reached for his cheek. “I’m not saying you don’t have the right of being mad or hurt, those feelings are more than valid, but they are also hurting you. I’m just worried about you.”

“Aren’t you always?” Alec tried to tease, and his mother smiled.

“It’s a mother’s job.” She shrugged. “You don’t have to interact with Robert if you don’t want to, I will never force you, but he exists and to some extent, he is still part of our lives. Just promise you will never miss out on anything just because he will be there.”

“I will do my best, mother.” Alec brought her hand to his lips. “And I’m working in moving on, you know? It’s just… I lived for so long trying to get the approval of the two of you.”

“Life is too short to waste in trying to get everybody’s approval, Alec.” Maryse flicked his nose like she always did when he was little. “I will always love you, even if we disagree on some things.”

“You would still love me even if I start cheering for the Red Sox?” Alec asked with a shit-eating grin.

“As long you keep this amoral practice outside of the house, sure.” Maryse teased him right back, then her expression turned soft. “I miss having all my babies under my roof.”

“I miss home, but your other children were driving me crazy.”

“Uh, which reminds me, Izzy was talking to Jace on the kitchen the other day and they are planning in setting you up with someone for Izzy’s job…?” Maryse’s voice trailed off, her face a little uncertain. “Anyway, it sounded like a secret, so it made me wonder if you knew.”

“Ugh, I can’t believe they are doing this to me again.” Alec groaned. 

“They mean well,” Maryse said diplomatically. A long time ago she decided to not meddle on her kids’ lives. “They worry about you all alone in here, and you have a tendency to bottle things up until it explodes.”

“And their solution its to find me a boyfriend, because that’s the cure for anxiety.” Alec deadpanned.

“I never said it was a smart plan.” Maryse defended herself. “Just talk to them, okay?”

“Yes, because that always works so well.” Alec rolled his eyes, and Maryse laughed.

* * *

Alec cursed himself for having forgotten his gloves. Winters in New York were getting colder every year, making his urge to throw a rock on billionaires heads for not doing anything about global warming. Fortunately, the small coffee shop he always met up with his siblings wasn’t far away and it would be nice and warm inside. Finally getting to the door, he stepped away for someone who was exiting, smiling when he saw who it was.

Alec didn’t know much about him, only knew he was a regular, always asked for apple pie and his coffee was mostly cream and he was one of the most attractive men Alec ever laid his eyes on. The man also smiled in recognition and went on his way after a small wave. Alec could have stayed and staring him go — how can someone’s ass look so good? — but since he didn’t have plans in dying of hypothermia so he stepped inside.

“Alec!” He heard his sister’s voice. It took him a second to find the booth Izzy and Jace were waiting and he walked there. “We were just talking about the logistics of Simon’s show. Clary will go with Simon to help with the equipment, so the van is out. I thought of us sharing an uber and Maia want in too.”

“The show is not for another week, calm down.” Alec sat in front of her. “ If you two don’t want to make the whole trip back to the house you can crash at my place.” And just because he was in the mood to be a little shit, he added. “The guy you two are setting me up behind my back even after I told a million times I don’t want to be set up is also going with us?”

Jace choked on his smoothie, but Izzy’s face didn’t move a muscle.

“I don’t know what you are talking about, Alec.” She smiled sweetly. “What gave you this idea? Maybe you are imagining things because you want a date.”

“Well, then that it would be a shared illusion because it was mom who told me she heard you two talking in the kitchen.”

“She must have misheard.” Izzy brushed off, and it would have convinced anyone else.

“Izzy…” Jace started, then rolled his eyes, giving up. Then he looked at Alec. “Look, I wasn’t convinced at the start because of last time, but it seems Izzy has been buttering this guy for weeks for you. It’s just to introduce you two, if you get along, great; if you don’t, everyone goes on their way. It doesn’t sound so bad, does it?” Jace gave his best-winning smile, which was living proof he could have a promising future in marketing.

“I promise you, its nothing like last time.” Izzy chimed in, with Jace nodding along. “I swear, this one is a good match for you, I really thought this through.”

“Aaaaaand she is ruining it.” Jace sighed.

“I have been talking to him for a couple of weeks and he is very cool and chill, so it will be no pressure.”

“You are putting the pressure, Izzy.”

“I am not!”

“You sound like a matchmaker presenting marriage prospects.”

“I just said the guy was cool, how is this a proposal?”

“You are selling him too much! It makes people suspect something is wrong with the guy!”

“What is wrong its that I asked for you never do anything like this again, and but here we are.” Alec interrupted his sibling’s bickering. 

“We just want you to have some fun.” Izzy pursed her lips. “As Jace said, it doesn’t need to be a big deal.”

“What is a big deal its that you two aren’t listening to me, Izzy.” Alec deadpanned. “Are you guys even going to tell me or just show up with him without warning?”

“Look, I’m sorry I hid this from you.” Izzy’s face fell, and Alec struggled to not give in. He promised himself he would stand his ground for the things he wanted, and what he wanted right now was to not being set up. “I just want you to be happy. Don’t you wanna go out, meet new people? Let loose? You can’t spend all your youth look up at home.”

“I go out sometimes.” Alec crossed his arms, already knowing where this bit would lead.

“Yeah, to the library.” Izzy rolled her eyes. “What a fun place.”

“This may be a shock to you, but different people have fun with different things.” Alec deadpanned.

“You say you want to get married. Do you really think you are going to meet people at the library?”

“Since I like to read I think I have a better chance of meeting someone who shares my interests at the library than in a club.”

“He has a point,” Jace interjected but was cut off by Izzy.

“You are infuriating.” She threw her hands in the air. “Anyway, Jace and Maia are bailing on us tonight.”

“She has this fancy party at her college!” Jace rolled her eyes. “If she plays her cards right she could get funds for her research! We will join you guys for drinks later.”

“I know, I just messing with you.” Izzy poked him between his eyes, having her hand bat away. “You are still coming, Alec?”

“Well, I shouldn’t.” He grabbed a slice of bacon from Jace’s plate. “You were saying that you and Clary barely had gone on dates, lately.”

“It’s med school kicking my ass,” Izzy whined, throwing her head back. “But I almost never see anyone anymore, so I want to make most of this break.”

“Then I will be there.” Alec chuckled. 

His siblings maybe will be the reason Alec will go insane, but he wouldn’t ever love them any less.

* * *

Alec was going through his closet, choosing a nice shirt for dinner when his phone started ringing. He frowned when he saw it was Simon calling, knowing that he would be at his mother’s house since his sister had come back for the holidays.

“Hey.” Alec picked up. “Is everything okay?”

“I have a date!” Simon didn’t lose time. “I have a date and he wears these expensive suits and the restaurant is this fancy place and the last suit I had was on my bar mitzvah, so you tell me if everything is okay!”

“Didn’t you used a suit on your sister’s graduation?” Alec had to hold on a laugh.

“It was rented.” Simon groaned. “Clary told me to just wear some blazer but the thought of sitting in front of an Armani model using a blazer makes me wanna dig a hole and lay in there. Please, tell me you have a suit to borrow.”

“Yes, I do. I don’t know if it’s going to fit, though.” Alec turned to the corner of his closet where his suit should be. “I think Clary’s idea is better than using a suit that doesn’t fit.”

“Ugh, you are right.” Simon groaned. “What am I going to do? We settled for tomorrow and I don’t want to reschedule because it’s so hard to find the time and…”

“Simon, you are rambling again,” Alec called him out. “It will be fine. Jace’s may fit you better, ask him.”

“I literally prefer dying,” Simon grumbled. “He lives to make fun of me.”

“Then go on your pajamas.”

“You are no help.” Alec could feel Simon rolling his eyes. “And how are you so calm? I thought you would be freaking out more than me.”

“Why would I be freaking out?” Alec frowned.

“I don’t know. You don’t really like this blind dating stuff, but since Izzy and Clary are going to be there, I suppose it does help.” Simon was talking, but Alec froze in place.

His mind raced to their talk early, trying to remember if Izzy had ever said when she was planning to introduce him to whatever guy she had found for him. Alec could only remember asking if she had planned for Simon’s show, but she hadn’t answered, had she?

“Have she talked to you about this guy?” Alec managed to ask.

“No much. Just that she was convinced you two would get along and the guy was super excited to meet you.” Simon trailed off, and Alec could hear voices on the background. “Hey, I have to go help with dinner, talk to you later? I will see if I call Jace about the suit.”

“Sure,” Alec answered automatically. Did New York suddenly get colder? Why are his hands shaking? “And don’t you worry, I’m sure everything will work out for you.”

Alec turned off his phone, walking to his bed. He hated the nauseating feeling on his stomach. He knew he should call Izzy and ask her to call all of this off, but did they even had the time for it? Alec was already at risk of being late. After a minute of thinking, he opened his phone and found Jace’s contact.

“Hey, man,” Jace greeted him after three rings. “Is this urgent? Maia and I need to get going in a bit.”

“Tonight is supposed to be a blind date?” Alec blurted out, not wanting to dance around the subject.

“Oh, so Izzy told you?”Jace sounded pleased. “I wanted to, but she asked me to let her, and you know how she gets.”

“No, she didn’t tell me. But she told everyone else since Simon just asked me about it.” Alec’s anxiety was slowly turning into frustration. “You know her just as well as I do, Jace, you know she would tell me shit. At best she would tell me when I am already there. I told everyone a million times I don’t want to be set up. All my friends seem to understand and respect this, but it seems my siblings know best, huh?”

“I can’t speak for Izzy, but I…” Jace struggled with words for a second. “Maia makes me so happy that I can only think about how I want you to be this happy too because you deserve it. You deserve someone amazing that will knock sense in your head and make you laugh and all that sap shit, you know?”

“You can’t make me a male version of Maia, Jace.” Alec groaned, already feeling some of his anger being smothered. “I have to find him on my own and on my own terms.”

“Alec, I know you like plans and to respect your time, and that’s good.” Jace grabbed his shoulder. “But if you keep waiting the right time, you are going to miss it, because how the hell do we know its the right time?”

“I am not waiting the right time, I’m-” Alec cut himself off. “I guess I just wanted some time for myself, after the breakup.”

“It’s been almost a year.” Jace pointed out. “And I know you didn’t like Brian that much to spend a year recovering from him.”

“It’s not about him.” Alec really didn’t want to have this talk with Jace, not right now. “It was so messy, I just wanted to put my head in order and enjoy a life free of drama.”

“You would need to leave this family for that.” Jace snorted. “Look, Maia is ready to go. How do you want to deal with this? Do you want me to call Izzy? I know you aren’t really dying to do this yourself and it’s the least I can do to fix this mess.”

“No, I will text her to tell her I am not going.” Alec took a deep breath.

“You are sure?” Alec could hear Maia’s voice hurrying Jace. “I don’t think the guy will give you a hard time in case you don’t want to pursue this. You should go and make Izzy pay the whole bill.”

“I-” Alec thought for a second, thinking about how he was still feeling. How he just wanted to crawl under his covers. He hated feeling like this. It was not who he was. “I don’t think I can go.”

“Alec,” Jace’s tone was serious. “Are you okay? Want me to go to your place?”

“No, I am fine.” Alec’s response was automatic, but to his relief, it sounded sincere. “I just don’t feel I can go and not end up having a fight with Izzy in front of everyone.”

“If you say so. Look, I gotta go, but you can call me anytime, okay?”

They said their goodbyes, and Alec texted Izzy about how he couldn’t make it. He weighed the pros and cons of letting her know why and decided it was best not play games, asking her to apologize to her friend in his name. Alec wasn’t sure if this was a dick move or not, but it was for the best she knowing the reason so she wouldn’t start telling the guy they would arrange another time.

But Alec also knew he couldn’t stay home. He knew himself well enough to know when his anxiety was starting to get worse, and it would be no good if he stayed inside holed up.

* * *

Alec was sitting on his favorite spot on his favorite library, a book on his lap. He had turned his phone off, and was trying and failing to not regret his previous actions. He knew he had the tendency to overthink things, just like he had the tendency to want to please the people he loved.

Would have been this big of a deal to just go to this dinner? Yes, he would be uncomfortable, but he was also uncomfortable now, being devoured by the nauseating feeling on his stomach. Did Izzy cancel with the guy? Or he went and ended up third-wheeling Clary and Izzy? No, Izzy wouldn’t let this happen. But what if she didn’t get Alec’s text? Alec turned off his phone without waiting for an answer, he had no idea.

“Oh, hello.” Alec got off of his spiral of madness by someone stumbling on the small nook he was sitting. “I didn’t expect anyone here.”

Alec almost choked on air when he saw who it was the guy for the coffee shop. His surprise should be very obvious because the man smiled and Alec melted a little bit under that warm expression.

“You are the guy from the coffee shop,” Alec said brilliantly and hated himself just a little bit. “Hi.”

“That’s me.” The man extended a hand. “Magnus.”

“Alec.” Alec took the hand offered and gave himself a mental pat on the shoulder when he shook it twice and let it go. “What’s bring you here at this hour?”

“I could ask you the same.” Magnus chuckled, then showed Alec a history book. “I will babysit my goddaughter this Christmas because her parents will be working to have New Year’s off and she has a school project. Since I am here I thought of getting some other books so I can finish this year’s reading list. What about you?”

“Just passing the time.” Alec weighed his next words. “Didn’t feel like staying home.” Then he realized that Magnus was still standing. “Oh, sorry.” He put his feet down and move to the side, creating space for him. “Have a seat.”

“Thank you.” Magnus sat down and their knees touched and Alec was not having a small crisis over it because he wasn’t a damsel from the Regency Era. “And you chose to come to the library?”

“I am not really a fan of crowds and right now almost every place is packed because of the holidays.” Alec shrugged. “But I usually come here anyway.”

“Yeah, me too.” Magnus looked around, and there was some fondness in his eyes. “Although not so much these days. Life can be very demanding.”

“Tell me about it.” Alec laughed. “I am lucky I am a journalist from an independent publication, so I like to come here to work. I don’t really like working for home, things get mixed up.”

“I know what you mean.” Magnus was nodding along while Alec was talking. “I am an assistant professor and I hate when I have to grade papers at home.”

“Oh, that sounds cool.” Alec hugged his book, turning himself entirely to Magnus. “What are you teaching?”

“I graduated in Political Science and History, so I’m working in this area.” Magnus touched his ear, and Alec noticed an earcuff there. He never had a chance to really see all the details of Magnus jewelry, and there was so much to see. Alec felt he could study Magnus’ face forever. “I’m hoping to teach Ethics in the next term, but right now I’m in History 101.”

“Well, there’s something about you that tells me it will work out.” Alec blushed when he noticed his flirtatious tone, but refused to look away. 

“Something about me, huh?” Magnus fluttered his lashes, showing a pleased smile.

“You know, I have been meaning to talk to you for a while,” Alec confessed, feeling braver because of Magnus’ growing smile. “We are always in that coffee shop, it felt like we should know each other.” He was rambling and feeling a healthy blush reaching his cheeks, but Magnus’ expression made Alec think it was worthy. “I just didn’t know what to say”

“I have been thinking about the same thing.” Magnus leaned in, almost like he was sharing a secret. “How strange it is that when we finally talk is not on that coffee shop.”

“Well, we could go there.” Alec felt his cheeks and neck heating. “I mean, its already the library’s closing time. We could get coffee and, I don’t know…” 

“I would love too.” Magnus interrupted Alec’s rambling.

“Really?” Alec didn’t even think of trying to contain his smile.

“Let’s go, Alexander.” Magnus chuckled, and Alec shivered.

They got up, but before Magnus could turn away, Alec touched his arm.

“How did you know…?” Alec tilted his head, still feeling the ghost of the feeling of hearing Magnus using his full name.

“I just assumed, did I got it wrong?” Magnus drew his eyebrows together, a little worried. Alec wanted to wipe it off with his fingers.

“No, you got it right, it’s just that no one calls me that,” Alec explained.

“Well,” Magnus told him, nonchalant, but Alec the suspicion that it was too nonchalant. “It suits you. Do you mind if I call you that?”

“No.” Alec took a deep breath and allowed himself to wat. “I like when you say it.”

And that was the moment that Alec knew that Magnus Bane’s smile would either be his undoing or his salvation.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec has enough of some people and realizes he can't get enough from one person in particular.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was a chapter hard to write because i wanted to use the right words. much of this is based on my own experiences and i dont intend to talk in the name of everyone who has anxiety. we all have our struggles, but we can all agree in one thing: people can be SO ANNOYING
> 
> also, while writing this has being really cathartic in the notion it feels i am ridding myself from the frustration of reading so many nosey!izzy in my lifetime, and also writing the friendship between alec and jace that we deserved to see on the show, and i also its being therapeutic for my own anxiety, my heart goes all sad for doing this to izzy, who i love to pieces and i want to ask her hand in marriage
> 
> my twitter is @staywithmemaled and the fic's tag is #SITDfic

Alec giggled to himself while reading another text from Magnus. His uber was getting closer to the bar where he would meet up with his friends, their own celebration of Christmas before they went to celebrate with their families the following day. It would be the first year Jace wouldn’t be home. Maia’s parents reached out and after some debate, she realized she wanted to try to mend their relationship and of course Jace decided he would go with her.

It was sweet how protective he was of her, even if Maia was tougher than all of them together. And of course, Izzy and Alec merciless teased Jace about his sappiness, but they were happy for his brother. Since he met Maia, he was more content and settled than ever.

After getting off the car, Alec put his phone away, no without a hint of regret. He loved his friends and liked to spend some time with them, but right now Alec just wanted to curl up on a corner and text Magnus about historical figures and whether they were gay or not.

Jace, Maia, and Simon were already there, with Simon talking their ears off with a dopey look on his face. Alec chuckled, sensing Jace’s annoyance from the door.

“It seems then the date went well.” Alec greeted them, dropping on the booth beside Simon.

“Oh yeah!” Simon turned to Alec, excited to have another person to talk about it. “He is incredible. Like, I am already planning how to introduce him to my mom incredible. But I will introduce him to you guys first, I do want to take things slow.”

“He says that now, but a minute ago he was naming their twins Luke and Leia.” Maia pushed a bottle of beer in Alec’s direction.

“You know Simon doesn’t know what ‘slow’ means.” Jace rolled his eyes, slumped against the backrest, his arm around Maia’s shoulders, ignoring the affronted ‘hey’ from Simon.

“Leave him alone.” Maia laughed, patting Jace’s knee.

“Jace told me about your college thing, how that went?” Alec decided to change subjects since Jace and Simon could only take small doses of each other before starting never-ending bickering.

“Good.” Maia smiled excited, leaning on the table a little bit. “I think the department has a good chance of getting those funds.”

“You guys will get it.” Jace kissed her shoulder before turning to Alec and Simon, a proud smile on his face. “You guys should have been there, she was great talking with the fossils.”

“And Jace didn’t call anyone a fossil to their faces.” She raised her glass, toasting to this.

“I am so incredibly proud of you, Jace.” Alec followed Maia’s example.

“Very funny you two.” Jace scoffed, but a happy smile was plastered on his face.

“Clary and Izzy are here.” Simon checked his phone. “Clary says Alec is an idiot who should check his phone and that apparently an Andrew tagged along?” He looked at his friends confused, even more when Jace choked on his beer. “Who is Andrew?”

“No.” Alec felt the dread on his stomach at Jace’s reaction. “Please, tell me she didn’t.”

“What do you think?” Jace’s voice was rough while he coughed. “Dude, think fast, or you stay or you run, it’s not the time to self-analyze!”

Alec felt the dread on his stomach again when Izzy and Clary got there with a stranger with them. The guy was handsome, he guessed. Tall with curly blond hair. But what made Alec clunch to the beer in his hand was how the guy obviously dressed up. Dammit, Izzy.

“Hey, Alec.” His sister was basically glowing. “This is Andrew. He works on the precinct I work half period.” Izzy had that glint in her eyes of a cat who just got the canary.

“Nice to meet you.” Alec smiled, but instead of offering his hand for a handshake he saluted him using the bottle he was using, before turning to Maia. “You know, it’s so rare to see you outside of Hunter’s Moon that I forgot that you actually have legs.”

“Yeah, I know.” She laughed, confused, still patting Jace’s back while he recovered. “Do you know that urban legend that the news guy actually wears no pants? Lately, I kinda want to go to work on my pajamas. No one would be able to tell.”

Alec knew he was being a little petty, ignoring Izzy like this, but he didn’t even know how he was actually feeling. It was frustration mixed with anger and a pang of deep sadness. Maybe it was silly, but he didn’t feel like talking to his sister right now.

“You have to do it at least once.” Alec smiled at Maia. “Luke will never fire you anyway, so just go for it.” He had to contain a groan when he saw Izzy was sitting beside Maia, pulling Clary with her, making clear that Andrew was going to sit by Alec.

“I will let you know.” Then she grabbed his hand. “Hey, let’s get another round for everyone.” Maia got off almost jumping over Izzy. “What will you want, Andrew?”

Alec could kiss her right now, but he settled by helping her get out of the booth.

“Just beer is fine.” Andrew seemed confused, and Alec felt bad for the guy. Maia just nodded and pulled Alec with her.

“Jace told me yesterday.” She said after they got to the bar “I called him an idiot and told him to talk to Izzy, but it seems he forgot.”

Alec tried to bit down a smile. “I’m fine.”

“Alec, I thought you were going to throw up on Andrew’s shoes.” Maia hit him in the shoulder.

“Izzy means well,” Alec remembered his mother’s words. “And when she puts something on her head it’s hard to get it out.”

“Dumbledore also meant well, but Harry Potter still had a very shitty life.” Maia rolled her eyes and Alec had to laugh, thinking about all the heated arguments that marathoning the Harry Potter movies always caused. “Look, you need to tell people when they hurt you, even if you fear it will hurt them.”

“It’s not a big deal, Maia.” Alec shrugged. “It will be awkward, but after this, Andrew will get the hint and I won’t need to see him again.”

“But will Izzy get the hint?” Maia arched an eyebrow. “Because it happened before and more likely it will happen again if she thinks you are only mildly annoyed by it. You said yourself when she puts something on her head it’s hard to get it out.”

“I guess it is true that bartenders are some sort of therapists.” Alec wasn’t subtle in his attempt to avoid answering, and Maia rolled her eyes again.

“I am not. I’m just got really good at communicating with Jace Lightwood and most of it applies to the rest of the family. You guys should try this ancient art sometime.” 

“Alec prefers eating his feelings.” Alec turned on his heels just to see a red cloud jump into his arms. “I bet that’s how he got this tall.”

“Clary I will throw you out of a window,” Alec grumbled due to the strength of her hug. “Stop trying to break my ribs.”

“I know deep down you love me.” She let him go. “I’m sorry about this. Izzy only told me he was coming along when we were almost here.”

“Do you know him?” Maia asked.

“He gives Izzy a ride when she has a late shift on the precinct.” Clary looked at them. 

“Look, no use to talk about this now.” Alec took a deep breath. “Let just grab some drinks and go back. But then if I give something to Andrew he may get the wrong idea and…”

“I will buy him a beer to say thanks for looking after my girl.” Clary grabbed Alec’s arm when he started rambling. “And that booth is getting crowded, let’s suggest getting a table so you don’t have to sit with him.”

“Thanks, little girl.” He teased her, but Clary knew it was just his way of showing her affection when he didn’t know how.

“I am no little girl.” She punched him in the shoulder before turning to the bar.

It would be a long night, but it would be fine.

-

It wasn’t fine.

Andrew seemed nice enough, but his attempts to strike conversation only made Alec more anxious. Alec kept trying to be polite (because it was someone who was looking out for his sister on her workplace), but short (because Alec didn’t want to lead him on). Was he getting it right? Maybe Andrew was just thinking Alec was shy. Should Alec mention an ex? People didn’t talk about exes on dates, so this would let Andrew know Alec wasn’t interested, right?

“Alec,” Jace called out over the table’s talk, getting up from his chair, signaling with his head to be followed.

Seeing how all the glasses are empty, they were all needing refills, so it makes sense Jace abruptly getting up. Alec himself could use something stronger than beer, for sure. But to his surprise, Jace guided him outside the bar.

“You look like we need fresh air,” Jace explained, putting his hands on his pockets. “Look, I’m sorry. I should have checked if Izzy had talked to Andrew about all this.”

The ‘it’s fine’ was about to come out from Alec’s mouth, but he stopped himself. Maia was right, he needed to tell them the truth.

“Yes, that would have been nice.” Alec dug his thumb’s fingernail in the meat on his opposite hand. “I thought my night it would be just seeing everybody and catching up, but its been me trying not to pass the wrong idea to a total stranger.”

“Do you wanna go home? I can come up with an excuse.” Jace offered. 

“I don’t want to miss things out because of my anxiety. It’s not fair I have to leave because Izzy ignored what I asked and now we are all in this mess.” Alec told him, and it was like a weight out of his shoulders that he didn’t even know he was carrying. “I don’t want to sound like a jerk, I know she is just trying to look after me, but…”

“She screwed up.” Jace was clearly unhappy, but Alec knew it wasn’t with him. “I’m sorry, Alec. What can I do? Do you want me to talk to him?”

“It would only make everything more awkward.” Alec leaned his back on the wall. “And I can see he is a good guy. I’m just not interested.” He took a deep breath. “This is helping, thanks for bringing me out. Just... let’s talk for a bit.”

Jace kicked something on the sidewalk, clearly considering his next words.

“I started going to therapy.” He said suddenly. “It’s been just a couple months, but I am feeling so much better, you know?”

“Jace, that’s great.” Alec gave him a broad smile. 

“I wanted to tell you, but it felt… private.” Jace shrugged.

“You don’t have to explain.”

“I just had this huge fight with Maia. It had started with a silly thing and it blew up. I don’t remember most of it. What I do remember it was she was really upset and almost crying and I didn’t know what to do.” Jace looked lost in the memory for a second, and then he scoffed. “What a crappy boyfriend, huh? I drive my girlfriend to tears and then I don’t know how to fix it.”

“Jace…” Alec started, but Jace was in a roll.

“So I asked her. Just like I asked you now. About I could do. And I don’t know, I think she saw how serious I was and we talked it out. But it made me realize that some things had to change, so I went to see a therapist.” Jace turned back to Alec. “Anyway, my point its that in therapy we have been talking a lot about the ‘right time’. Because I have a shitload of trauma from my foster homes and I kept pushing it aside because it wasn’t the right time to deal with it. But when you wire your brain to push things aside, some goods things can be affected too.” Jace tapped Alec’s shoulder. “This bit Maia told me, I can’t claim the credit.”

“I don’t know what a girl like her is doing with you.” Alec smiled.

“I’m trying to not question much. If she is with me, it’s because she wants to. All I can do it’s to make worth her while.” 

“I do want what you two have. And Clary and Izzy.” Alec confessed, finally understanding why Jace talked about timing on their phone call the other day. “Can I tell you something? But you can’t tell Izzy.”

“Cross my heart and hope to die.” Jace draws a cross on his chest, making Alec roll his eyes.

“There’s this guy…” Alec felt his cheeks started to burn and a smile started to spread on Jace’s face. “He always goes to that coffee shop. I met him in the library when I didn’t go to dinner with Izzy and Clary and we started talking, you know? I know he always asks for apple pie and his coffee has more cream than actual coffee and he gets along with all the staff and the whole place gets happier when he is there.” He didn’t even care about how cheesy he was sounding. “And he is so funny and fun. We do have different tastes in books and other stuff, but I feel like I could talk to him talking forever.”

“Someone has a crush and someone got it bad.” Jace teased him. “Why didn’t you talk to him before?”

“I didn’t know what to say.” Alec shrugged. “I know I should’ve done it sooner, now that I know how great it is to just know him, but back then he was there and I couldn’t make the final step. And now I don’t know where to go with this.”

“You have to stop thinking about it like this epic climax of the story, Alec.” Jace pointed out. “It will be really great, but it’s not an ending. Its a start. Like, you always say you love to start reading a new book and hates finishing it. Maybe you have to think about this like opening a new book and discovering what the story really is about.”

“It’s so weird to see you giving good advice that isn’t about physical health.” Alec laughed and stood up. “We should go back inside. I will stay just for a little longer. It’s not like anyone is waiting for me to stay until late.”

-

Alec arrived at his mother’s house at late afternoon. It wasn’t his fault, really. He had promised his mother he would bring dessert but he forgot to buy the ingredients so it had been an interesting day trying to buy things on Christmas eve. But he had the cake and it should be enough for her not rip his ears off. After kissing her cheek while she was doing some final touches in the dining room, he went to the kitchen to put the cake on the fridge, in the hopes it would be cool enough.

“What’s wrong with you?” Izzy marched to the kitchen and Alec took a deep breath. Ha had expected for this ambush. “I understand you were upset, but you basically ignored me and Andrew for the whole night. When Jace pulled you outside I hoped he would put some sense into you.”

“Yeah, I think I should have told you beforehand how I didn’t want to be set up on a date.” Alec faked a cheery tone.

“Then be mad at me, Andrew had nothing to do with it.”

“I know.” Alec grabbed some juice, just to have something to do with his hands. “I guess I got caught up in my head trying to not lead him on or giving him the wrong idea and I ended up being a little rude.”

“I can give you his number so you can apologize.” Izzy smiled innocently.

“I think he will survive without this.” Alec forced a smile.

“Jesus Christ, Alec.” Izzy groaned. “I’m trying to help you here!”

“Then why do I feel like I’m the one being asked a favor?” Alec gave up on his pretense in nonchalance. “Why are you so hellbent on this?”

“People need people, Alec.” Izzy sighed. “And I never see you reaching out. I see you overthinking things and it breaks my heart.”

“I’m working on the overthinking, but it been years of me being like this. It won’t be a sudden change, but I don’t see how this should mean I have to have people meddling on my love life.”

“You don’t have a love life to be meddled with.” Izzy pointed out. “My new year’s party is getting closer and everybody has a date and-”

“That’s what is this all about?” Alec interrupted her. “Your party?”

“No, you are getting it wrong, I phrased wrong.” Izzy winced, aware of her mishap. “I just don’t want you to feel out of place of self-conscious when you are the only one going stag, I swear.”

“Then you should talk to me so I can tell you how about I won’t mind.” Alec rubbed his face with both hands. 

“You also said you would be cool with Andrew going and we saw how that went.”

“I asked you to tell him it wasn’t a date. Did you?”

“He always knew it was just for you guys to meet-”

“Did you tell him that nothing would come out of it because I wasn’t interested?”

“Why do you have to be so difficult about this?” Izzy groaned frustrated again. “I never said you had to have a relationship with him, just to meet him!”

“And I said I didn’t want to.” Alec felt like they were walking in circles. “Why is it so hard to listen to me? Or respect me, because it feels really disrespecting.”

“Oh God, I never meant to disrespect you, Alec.” Izzy pushed her hair back. “I just don’t want you to wake up someday full of regrets. To look around and regret this boring life and-”

“Well, Izzy, if I am so boring, maybe don’t waste so much time on me.” Alec threw his hands in the air. “And if I am so boring, don’t you worry, I will not be disturbing your party. And just a little note. Just because you didn’t mean to hurt me it doesn’t mean you didn’t.”

Alec didn’t wait for her to regain her words. After a look at her shocked face, he grabbed his coat and stormed off the house.

-

Alec stared at his mug trying really hard to not cry or have a panic attack.

He had gotten better in asserting himself in his adult life. He did well on his job, being seen as a leader on his team and being valued by his bosses. When going after a story, he didn’t back out on the first red tape and he never let veiled threats from PR agents to get in the way. 

Things were different with his family.

After so many years craving and yearning for their approval, fearing that the wrong step would drive them away, Alec didn’t know how to convince himself that he was loved and accepted with no strings attached. He didn’t know how to believe he had the right to live his life like he wanted, without having to justify himself at every step.

“Hey.” Alec looks up when someone stopped by his side on one of the booths of a dinner near his mother’s house. He almost choked when he saw who it was. “Are you okay?”

It was Magnus, with his perfect face and his perfect voice.

And Alec was looking a hot mess. The universe should really hate him.

“Y-yeah.” Alec stammered. “I’m fine.”

“I don’t mean to overstep, you can tell me to fuck off if you want, but you don’t look fine to me.” It was unfair how beautiful a person could be. Magnus was stunning, even with this face frowning in worry.

“It’s just…” Alec knew he was in no acceptable state to be talking to the man of his dreams, but just like a dam finally being open, Alec couldn’t stop talking. “I had a fight with my sister.” But now he just sounded pathetic. Way to go. “I’m just trying to cool off. We said stupid shit.” Alec could not believe he was still talking.

“You look pretty upset.” Magnus pointed the seat in front of Alec, a question in his face, which Alec just nodded to. After he was settled on his seat, he continued. “Want to talk about it?”

“Izzy has been trying set me up on a sort of date in the last couple of days, even after I said I didn’t want to.” Well, if Alec was in the rain, better let himself get soaked. “My siblings and my friends had done this before and the guy was an asshole. Not that I think they will set me up with an asshole on purpose, but that time showed me I would be better off choosing my dates myself. I love my siblings, but they always suggest people that they think are good for me to be around, but it doesn’t mean it’s people that I think it will be a good match.”

“Good intentions, horrible execution.” Magnus smiled, sympathetic. “So you two fought about it?”

“I have an anxiety problem.” Alec didn’t know why he was telling this. Maybe it was a plot from the dark side of his soul to ruin whatever chances he could have with this guy. But at the same time, his anxiety wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon. Would he even want to be with someone who didn’t want to deal with it? And why Alec was already thinking so much ahead? He hated his brain. “And it’s bad. It got better after I started treating it, but I still struggle a lot.” Alec left out the part of how bad it got in his senior year in high school. “My family worries and they try to help. Sometimes in the wrong ways, but they try. Izzy thinks that I isolate myself, but I just don’t like crowds. I guess I am an introvert, but I don’t know how to convince her that I am fine. And then she tries to introduce me to new people and I guess its fine when she is upfront about it, but sometimes, like yesterday, she was kinda planning behind my back. I felt a little cornered. There I was, at a bar full of people and I couldn’t leave without looking like a complete dick, and I had to be nice to the guy who I didn’t want to lead on.”

“Did you told her about this?”

“I intended to, today. One of my friends gave me advice and I did talk about it with my brother and I think he gets it now, but with Izzy…” Alec pushed out a breath. “We are both stubborn and a little hotheaded. Things blew up really fast and I know I should let her talk but… Maybe it will sound shitty, but I don’t want to hear about her good intentions and how she loves and worries about me. I get this part. I… It is that bad that I want her to just apologize?”

“I don’t think so,” Magnus told him softly. “I know it can be a really frustrating position. I had struggled with depression in the past.” He pointed to himself with a blinding smile. “And I felt like I was spending most of my time explaining how I felt to people when all I wanted was peace of mind and try to move on from that dark place.”

“But how do we move on if we don’t stop talking about it?” Alec chuckled, knowing that feeling very well.

“Exactly. For so long I felt like I was stuck in the same place. Sometimes I just wanted to grab my bags and run away, just so I didn’t have to talk about it anymore.” 

“Yeah. In the beginning, when I felt anxious, the only thing I wanted was to give up whatever I was doing at that moment. Because if it was making me that anxious, it couldn’t be possibly good for me, right? But it got to a point when I realized I was giving up everything and it wasn’t fair.” Alec remembered saying something similar to Jace the night before. “I had already started on therapy, but it was when I really started trying to change, you know? I don’t want to give up things because my anxiety tells me to. Because it was getting really ridiculous.”

“How so?”

“It will sound really dumb.” Alec pressed his lips together, crossing his arms.

“Nothing will ever be dumber than me getting stuck on the laundry machine because I wanted to see how it would be to spin that fast,” Magnus said so solemnly that Alec couldn’t hold off his laugh.

“You will have to get into details about this later,” Alec said when he managed to calm himself, his heart skipping a beat when he saw how pleased Magnus was with his reaction. He tried to keep a smile, but it didn’t last. What he was about to say still felt like treason in his head. “I just feel like if people know about something…” Alec dug his fingernails on his biceps, but his coat didn’t let him feel it. “I know they will be supportive, and I love this about them, I really do. But sometimes it’s to much support and I end up doing things because I am being told to. And maybe it was what I wanted to do all along, but in the end, it doesn’t feel mine.” Alec stopped, not knowing if he was making sense, but something on that man’s face told him to keep going. “It feels like someone else’s actions and I don’t want it anymore because it’s not mine. I remember when I told my family about how I was thinking of writing a book in lgbt history. Everybody started making plans and asking all the time how it was going, giving me ideas of how the cover should look like, and saying how they knew an editor they could call… Suddenly it didn’t feel like  _ my _ book anymore.”

“And you stopped writing?” Magnus could be reading his mind since his guess was exactly on point.

Alec nodded, then forced a laugh. “I must sound like the big asshole of the century. My family is the most wonderful family in the world, poor me.” He sniffed, feeling the urge to cry again. “I know its irrational, but sometimes the feeling I got its that if I tell people of what I want to do, that desire is no longer just mine. So I hide things. Like it will be stolen if they get out of my head. After so many years of therapy, I’m starting to think it was because I always put everyone’s expectations above what I wanted. So it’s kinda an automatic reaction to just do what people expect me to do. That’s part of the reason why it’s so hard to talk with my sister about this. Because I want to do this for her. I want to be the person everyone wants me to be. But at the same time I know I should be the person I am.” Alec groaned and hit his forehead on the table. “Therapy can be good, but it can also be a pain in the ass.”

“You are on the right track, and that’s the important part.” Alec felt Magnus pat his hand and he had to get up to see.

And what his saw was the fondest smile in the world, that made him a little braver, just like the night in the library.

“But back to the initial problem,” Magnus returned to their talk. “The main problem was then going behind your back? Or they pushing you to date?” There was an attempt in keeping the question purely conversational in Magnus’ tone that made Alec smile, daring to hope that it was something else that Magnus really wanted to know. But at the same time, he deserved the truth.

“Both. I don’t see myself dating people. I see myself married with two kids and a dog. Or a cat. Or both.” Alec thought to himself that if he already told Magnus about the darkest part of his mind, he could also tell him about the hopelessly romantic part. 

“Nothing wrong with it. But I have to say, in this century" Magnus' voice was full of teasing. "any relationship starts with dating. No more arranged marriages, I'm sorry."

“I know." Alec felt another rush of blood on his cheeks. "Izzy says I am old fashioned and I have to chill. So I was chilling and decided to work on my… expectations for a while, since my last relationship crashed and burned. It's not like I want to wait to date the person I am going to get married, I don't know the future, but I would like to date someone who likes to put an effort. So it’s not like I don’t want to date at all, it’s just that I don’t really want the whole casual dating thing."

"I know what you mean. I'm also all for effort." Magnus smiled a little sheepishly.

Alec knew that this conversation was too deep for two people who were still finding their footing together and he was most likely ruining everything, but there was something in that moment that made him want to take a risk.

"I know I probably ruined whatever chance I could have after talking about all my family and relationship issues but…" Alec weighed his words, trying to think of a way to say it.

"Do you want to go out sometime?" Magnus took Alec out of his misery.

"What?" Alec couldn't hide his surprise.

"Well, now I hope I didn't read this wrong because it seemed like you wanted to ask me out." Magnus laughed a little self-conscious.

"I did, I mean, I do!" Alec hurried in fixing the almost misunderstanding.

"I think it's a little too soon for an 'I do', Alexander." Magnus teased and Alec's heart almost gave up on him.

"You are going to use this against me forever, won't you?" Then Alec realized his phrasing. "And there I go doing it again." He groaned. "See? That's why I got surprised. It makes sense for me to ask you out. You asking me out doesn't. But I swear I'm not this big of a mess all the time."

"It's alright." Magnus smiled so broadly that his eyes crinkled. “You don’t hide behind silly games. I never met someone like you.”

“I never met someone like you either,” Alec confessed. “But I am glad that now I do.”

“Feeling better?” Magnus asked so softly that Alec got just a little more infatuated.

“Yes, thank you.” Alec chuckled. “Still not looking forward to go back, but if I miss this dinner, my mother will kill me.” Then he realized something. “You live in Brooklyn. Whats brings you to Manhattan?”

“Remember I told you about babysitting my goddaughter?” Alec nodded. “They live just around the corner. “Her father will get off work in the middle of the night, so we decided was better for her to sleep at home and wake with her daddy. Her dad is Ragnor Fell, I don’t know if you know him.”

“Oh yeah, he is an acquaintance of my mom and her boyfriend. I never met him, though.” Alec smiled but then groaned, burying his face on his hands. “I should get going.”

“I just came to pick up some cookies for Santa, it should be ready by now.” Magnus looked over the counter, and surely, there was a bag there. “I will walk you out.”

Alec dragged his feet, not really wanting to get along with the program, even if he knew he had to. His mother always put a lot of effort into the family dinners and on this one there was the added stress of wanting to impress Luke’s sister, so Alec wanted to be there and support her, even if he feared that the tension between him and Izzy would ruin everything.

“Stop overthinking, Alexander.” Magnus pulled back his attention to the present. “Just talk to your sister as soon as you get there. “The longer you wait, the worse you feel.”

“I know.” They stopped at the sidewalk, in front of the dinner. “I’m glad I ran into you today. I was already planning how to get to see you again. I hope next time it doesn’t involve a meltdown, though.” Alec just knew his expression must be so full of fondness, but he couldn’t find in himself to be embarrassed about it. He liked Magnus and wanted Magnus to know.

“I’m really glad I saw you today too.” Magnus chuckled, but there was some shyness to it. 

Magnus bit his lower lip, before stepping into Alec’s personal space, making him stop breathing. Magnus was so close that Alec could see the details on his eyeliner and count his eyelashes and just drown on those brown eyes. He could see Magnus releasing his lip and how red it was, and how soft it looked. Alec leaned in just a bit, unsure, but just wanting.

Just like Magnus was the one who initiated, it was he who closed the final distance, kissing Alec softly. Alec breathed him in, before putting his hands on Magnus’ jaw, the tip of his fingers playing with the hair in Magnus’ nape when he deepened the kiss just a little bit more.

It was snowing when Alec felt himself starting to fall in love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i guess this chapter shows my point with this fic. people can love you, adore you, support you, and still screw you over. but i do believe intention matters. knowing someone did something in my best interests changes my way to look at the situation and it was the initial idea behind this fic. but good intentions doesn't mean that people get a free of jail card and they have to get a freaking grip. if any of you reading this is in a similar situation, speak your mind to the people who love you. life is all about learning
> 
> i do intended to post this early, but i forgot that today was new years. SO HAPPY NEW YEARS EVERYONE!!! until tomorrow for the final chapter with closure for everyone!!!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec gets a little more freedom and falls in love just a little bit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and here we are, at the end. i should have posted early, but im only home at this time, when almost everyone else is sleeping. i am a night owl.  
> this chapter was not heated like i predicted when i plotted this and i like it. not every conflict has to end up in a big fight and i think its always better talk and not yell.  
> anyway, i hope yall like it <3
> 
> my twitter is @staywithmemalec and the fic's tag is #SITDfic

Alec couldn’t say the dinner was awkward or tense because he barely was paying attention to it. He bet everyone was thinking he was keeping to himself like he normally did in front of new people because of Cleophas, but the truth was Alec couldn’t stop thinking about kissing Magnus.

The kiss has been a surprise, in the sense he thought it would only happen after one or two official dates, but damn if he wasn’t happy. While eating more of his mother’s delicious cooking he tried to come up with a game plan for The Date, like he was calling it in his head. Magnus had mentioned being a theatre kid in high school, maybe he would enjoy a show on Broadway? Getting tickets during the holidays was almost impossible, but he could try.

“Alec,” Maryse called for him, waking Alec from his daydreaming. “Can you help me bring dessert?”

“Sure, mom.” He had to control himself to not grimace. He knew she must have noticed he was miles away.

And just like he predicted, as soon they were in the kitchen, she turned to him, concern all over her features.

“Are you okay? I heard you and Izzy fighting early.”

“Yeah, I will talk to her later.” Alec wished he had paid attention to what was going on during dinner. It would be good to predict what Izzy was thinking. “Does she look mad?”

“She is upset.” Maryse raised her eyebrows. “That much is obvious.”

“I am sorry, I-” Alec stammered, and his cheeks burned. He wanted to explain why he was so distracted but at the same time it was a little embarrassing to say it out loud. “I kinda met someone?” He trailed off, deciding to keep most of the details out of it. His mother did need to know he was a mess because he was kissed by the most gorgeous person to ever walk on Earth. “And I asked him out and I am trying to think of something good.”

“If you are like this after asking him out, I can only imagine how it’s going to be when you two actually go on the date.” Maryse teased, giggling. “Keep it simple. A first date is for you two to spend time together knowing each other.”

“Do you think I should give him a Christmas gift?” The thought suddenly occurred to Alec. 

“Not really.” Maryse turned to the cabinets to grab plates, satisfied that her child wasn’t upset, just having a gay crisis. “You can if you want to, but it’s not like you  _ have _ to. You two are only starting to go out. You don’t expect him to give you something, right? So if you decide to give him something, keep it small.”

“Okay.” Alec picked the plates his mother handed to him. “It’s just I kinda almost ruined everything and I want to make a good impression.”

“How so?” Maryse started to slice the cake.

“I told him that I always saw myself married with kids and because of this I didn’t really like the idea of casual dating.” Alec graned, putting the plates on a tray. “Who says that to a person they just met?”

“You, apparently.”

“Mom!”

“What?” Maryse laughed. “Sometimes we put our foot on our mouths in front of people we like. And you didn’t even say a bad thing. I can see you like him, so it’s good that you are saying where you stand. It’s an important thing, so you two can know if you are on the same page. It will help to avoid any heartbreak in the future.” She patted his arm. “Don’t be afraid of telling people how you feel.”

“Lots of people have been telling me this.” Alec chuckled, helping his mother to put cake on the plates.

“Well, when dealing with someone so stubborn as you, it takes a village.”

“Yeah, I wonder from who I take it after.” Alec gave his mother a pointed look and a smug smile, getting a slap on the shoulder for his trouble.

“Shut it and take this to the dining room.” Maryse was laughing, and Alec realized there very few things his mother couldn’t make feel better.

-

After dessert, they were ready to move to the living room to exchange gifts, but Alec offered himself to clean up the table, promising to join them after he was done. He was doing quick work, already putting things on the washing machine when he heard steps entering the kitchen.

“I was wondering where you went after…” Izzy was hesitating. “You were calmer when you got back.”

“Jut to a dinner nearby.” Alec concentrated on his task. “Got some coffee.”

“Huh.” He heard her getting closer to the counter, but he paid her no mind. “I think we should talk.”

“Yeah.” Alec nodded. “I didn’t mean to go off, I just got frustrated.”

“You have to know, I chose my words wrong. I never wanted to imply you were boring or you had to have someone.” Alec stopped what he was doing but still didn’t look at his sister. “It’s just… sometimes you hang out with me and Clary, and sometimes Jace and Maia and I see this faraway look on you face. And now Simon is all lovey-dovey with this mysterious man of his and I got worried that you are going feel bad.”

“Izzy, I appreciate the concern, but when we meet, it’s not I meeting with my siblings and their significant others.” Alec measured his words. He wanted to get it right. “I’m meeting with my friends. Maia was our friend before she did the crazy decision of starting dating Jace. I was the one to meet Simon and college and he brought Clary with him even if no one asked.” Alec laughed when Izzy slapped his arm. “Maybe it will be weird when he brings his boyfriend, but it will be for everyone.”

“Not to Clary, I know she knows him, but she is not talking.” Izzy sighed. “But I get what you mean. I’m sorry I jumped the gun. I promise you I won’t do it again. I swear. But since we are talking about this, I have to ask…” She hesitated again. “Don’t you get bored? Of doing the same things and always seeing the same people?”

“No.” Alec grabbed the counter, trying to control how his hands started to tremble. He had no reason for it. ‘Izzy wasn’t pushing, she was trying to understand’, he told himself. “I like my life. It took me a long way to get here when I am content. I like having my own place and I like coming back here at the end of the day. I like reading and watching movies and I don’t feel I should be judged by it.”

“I am not judging-”

“Yes, you are.” Alec didn’t let himself be interrupted. “You are acting like this is not enough. Maybe it not enough for you, so you don’t have to live your life as I do. I hate clubs but I never questioned you going and enjoying, right? I may have been a pain in the ass in the beginning about your safety, but did I ever made you feel like you shouldn’t go?”

“Alec, it’s not-”

“Then please stop making me feel like my life is not enough because I am sick of feeling like I have to justify every decision I do.” Alec’s voice broke, but he managed to suppress the sob on his throat. 

“Oh, Alec.” Izzy hugged him by his side, and he let her. “Of course you are enough, you doofus. I am so sorry if I made you feel like this. You are more than enough. You have so much to give and I see you holding back and I don’t know what to do to help. And I don’t want you to feel alone, and I know you do, even when you are with us.”

“I still have some problems I have to work on, I know.” Alec turned to his baby sister, and his heart broke and healed when he saw all the concern in her teary eyes. “I love how much you worry about me. I know I can count on you for everything, but some things I have to do on my own.”

“I really did a mess, didn’t I?” She sniffed but smiled a little bit.

“Yes, that you did.” Alec kissed her forehead. “You never do anything by halves.”

“I will talk to Andrew, explain everything.” She got deep in thought. “We kinda started together on the precinct, so we kinda ganged up? Ugh, how am I going to fix this?” Izzy threw her head back.

“Buy him some New York pizza. And show him that pineapple doesn’t belong in it, just in case he doesn’t already know.”

“I kinda hope that whoever you end up with likes pineapple pizza.” Izzy laughed, hugging him again. “That would be so funny.”

Alec remembered the face Magnus’ made at the very mention of it, full of disgust. “Well, it would be a dealbreaker.”

“I love you, big brother.” Izzy hugged him tighter. “I will behave now, I promise.”

“Good.” Alec tickled Izzy on her side. “I don’t need blind dates. Or any date that I can’t get myself.”

“Okay, I got it.” Izzy laughed while batting his hand away. Then she grimaced. “But like I told you, Andrew became a friend, and I wanted to invite him to my party. It’s his first holiday away from home, but I won’t invite him if it means you won’t go or you will be uncomfortable. And I swear if he goes he will be going knowing this was all my mess.”

“I have nothing against the guy, Izzy.” Alec laughed at her rambling. “You can invite him if you want.”

“But you will go, right? Because I want to spend New Year’s with all my friends and you are the most important one.”

“I will tell Jace you said that.”

“Please do. You can also tell him I will burn his entire closet if he doesn’t bring my laptop back.” Izzy punched him on the shoulder. “But you didn’t answer my question.”

“I will show up for a little bit,” Alec promised her. “Can’t say I will stay for long, though.”

“Okay.” Izzy accepted it without arguing, and Alec breathed out, relieved. 

Alec almost wanted to tell her about Magnus, but it felt too private yet. He didn’t feel bad about it, though. Alec wasn’t ready to share that growing feeling on his chest with the world yet.

-

Alec knocked on Magnus’ door, his loft being in a nice building in Brooklyn.

He checked his outfit again, even if most of it was hidden underneath his coat. When he left home he was satisfied with it, but now his nerves were getting the best of him and he thought if it wouldn’t be better choosing another thing or even going to buy a new shirt. But it was too late now and he was doing his best to convince himself that his clothes weren’t that important, no matter how much he wanted to give a good impression. He did open his coat, though, thinking it would look more stylish.

“Alexander,” Magnus greeted him as soon he opened the door. “Right on time.”

Alec had planned to say something witty back to Magnus when he opened the door, but every thought was banished from his head when he was in front of him. Magnus was wearing a tight pair of leather pants and a burgundy shirt with a high collar and Alec really didn’t know how to process how good that color looked in Magnus’ skin.

“Wow.” He finally managed a sound. “You look… incredible.”

“Oh my, Alexander. Thank you for saying that. You also clean up very well.” Magnus looked very delighted by his reaction, and Alec didn’t miss the way Magnus looked at him, head to toe. “Let me grab my coat and we can go.”

Minutes later they were on a uber, passing by New York streets, his hands brushing against each other, and they were holding back smiles, almost daring each other to acknowledge it first and make the move.

“Well, you certainly have been mysterious about today’s plan.” Magnus was the first to talk.

“I kinda want to make it a surprise.” Alec had even gone to the length of texting the uber driver asking them to not mention the destination during the ride. “But if you prefer to know now…”

“It’s okay.” Magnus waved him off. “I like surprises. Even if it makes very difficult to choose the right outfit.”

“I doubt you could ever wear something and not look incredible in it.” Alec said ‘fuck it’ and grabbed Magnus’s hand, entwining their fingers. He never had been good at playing coy anyway.

“You flatter me.” Magnus started making circles on the back of Alec’s hand with his thumb. “I don’t want to ruin the mood, but… did you settle things with your sister?”

“Oh yeah.” Alec smiled, happy that Magnus cared to ask. “We talked. I guess my outburst helped her to understand some things. We are good now.”

“That’s good!” Magnus sounded so excited for him, and Alec thought he had no right in being that adorable. “Have you told her… about me?”

“No, no yet.” Alec bit his lip and looked down before looking into Magnus’ eyes. “I am not ready to share you yet.”

Magnus seemed a little lost for words for a minute, and even in the dim light of the car, Alec could see it had been the right thing to say. “One would think your sister would try to take me away.” His tone was flirtatious, but his eyes were so very warm.

“I don’t want to take the risk.” Alec took Magnus’ hand and kissed his knuckles. “Not before giving you some good reasons to stay.”

“Well, keep that going and you will find yourself in trouble if you ever try to get rid of me.” Magnus chuckled, his cheeks red. Then he looked outside, right in time when the driver entered on Broadway street, and his eyes lighten up.

That’s when Alec knew he made the right decision bringing him here.

“Wait,” Magnus said when the car pulled over. “Are we…?”

“Going to see a play? Oh yeah.” Alec thanked the driver and rushed Magnus out of the car.”

“How did you even pulled this off?” Magnus laughed, delighted. 

“I had to pull a few strings, but it was worth it.” Alec grabbed Magnus’ hand again, before pulling the tickets from his coat pocket. “You said you wanted to see Hadestown, so I had to at least try.”

“Alexander!” Magnus laughed when he saw the tickets, but instead of making a move for it, he took Alec’s cheek in hand and raised himself just enough to give him a quick kiss.

“Even more worth it with the reaction I just got.” Alec smiled and kissed Magnus again, just because he wanted. “Shall we?”

“We shall.” Magnus smiled before starting to pull him in the direction of the theater.

-

“That was great, Alexander.” They were walking down Broadway, not in a hurry to get a cab or an uber. “I always like Orpheus’ myth. I know some people may find him stupid for looking back, but it’s an interesting dilemma.”

“Oh yeah.” Alec nodded along. “But my favorite myth is Persephone’s. Not just her relationship with Hades. It’s a pity that the most known version shows her like this helpless goddess who got caught up in the circumstances, but some myths show her as a badass. She was more feared than Hades.”

“The patriarchy and toxic masculinity were the worst things to happen to history.” Magnus groaned. “Don’t even let me begin, I will talk your ear off.”

“I know its getting late, but I thought we could go somewhere to eat?” Alec offered. “Then you can tell me all about how the straights ruined history.”

“Oh, Alexander, you just got yourself a deal.” Magnus laughed. Then, a brief moment of hesitation. “How about we go back to my place? I could cook you something or we could have takeout.” He played with his earcuff, and Alec noticed it was one of his tells for when he was nervous. “It will be hard to find a restaurant with a table available.”

“I would love to.” Alec kissed Magnus’ hand again. Then he confessed. “I am not ready for this night to end.”

“This night ends when we say so, Alexander,” Magnus promised him.

But Alec doubted he would ever want to say goodbye.

-

Sleeping at Magnus’ hadn’t been the plan, but after dinner and a movie, they got so entangled on each other that Alec couldn’t really listen to the part of his brain telling him to leave. And by the way Magnus held him through the night, he didn’t want Alec to leave either.

“We should go and get breakfast,” Magnus mumbled against his neck, leaving a kiss there, making Alec shiver.

“We should.” But Aled only tightened his grip around Magnus.

“I don’t really want to give you back to the outside world.” Magnus chuckled. “You are an excellent body pillow.”

“Happy to be of service.” Alec pulled back just enough to look into Magnus’ eyes. “Good morning.” He kissed him briefly.

“Morning.” Magnus smiled against Alec’s lip.

“It is weird that I want to stay like this forever?” Alec started kissing all over Magnus’ face, a little overwhelmed by affecting and the cozy warm around him.

“Not at all.” Magnus giggled under his administration, before taking a breath. “This never happened to me before.” Alec stopped to look at him again, finding Magnus suddenly shy. “I never had someone over and they stayed and we just… cuddled. It feels nice.” His hands grabbed Alec’s shirt, almost like he feared Alec would leave after his confession.

“It never happened to me either,” Alec confessed back. “I am a little scared, though. I feel like I am going to fast and I will end up scaring you away.”

“Just because it’s intense, doesn’t mean it has to be scary.” Magnus touched his cheek. “Just talk to me. About nothing and about everything.”

“I would like that.” Alec rubbed the tip of his nose against Magnus’. “I really want to know where this will lead us.”

“I want to know too.” Magnus giggled again and Alec wanted to bask on this sound forever. “But I feel it will lead us to great things.”

Alec didn’t say anything. He just kissed him again. And again. And again.

The morning sun came and gone before they left that couch.

And the night came again before they left the apartment, just to end up at Alec’s place and repeat all of this all over again.

-

Alec ended up texting a silly excuse to his sister about a last-minute assignment. He really didn’t want to explain to her that Alec ‘i hate crowds’ Lightwood was on Times Square, meeting with Magnus’ friends and getting to play with the most adorable girl in the word, and that when the damn ball dropped, he kissed his boyfriend at midnight.

“Happy New Year,” Alec whispered against Magnus’ lips.

“Happy New Year.” And Magnus kissed him again. “Thank you for a five days long date. Care to try for day number six?”

Alec laughed, carefree. “Magnus Bane, I am starting to believe you have no plans in giving me back to my family.”

“They already had you for years!” Magnus laughed and kissed him one more time, for good luck. 

“I mean, my sister is having a party right now.” Alec starting swaying with Magnus, to no song in particular. “It’s at Pandemonium. We could go there. I won’t mind starting the year making her lose her shit.” He laughed again. “Can’t wait to tell her I met my boyfriend” He kissed Magnus “at a library.”

“Is this a problem?” Magnus laughed, arching his eyebrow.

“No, it’s a thing she told me, I can tell you on the way.”

“Raphael is there too.” Magnus got pensive. “He is meeting with this mysterious man he’s been dating, Sheldon Lewis, I think?”

“Lewis?” Alec frowned. “Do you mean Simon Lewis?”

“Do you know him?” Magnus’ eyes widen.

“One of my best friends.” Alec scoffed. “He didn’t tell me he decided to take his boyfriend, he kept saying he wanted to go slow! So many bets were placed because he doesn’t know how to chill.” Then he looked at Magnus. “So, my friend and your friend, huh?”

“I guess we were meant to be then.” Magnus chuckled. “We were going to meet no matter what.”

“I am glad we didn’t wait for them to get their shit together.” Alec hugged him tighter. “If we are going to break the record for the longest date ever, we need all the time available we can get.”

“You are absolutely right.” Magnus then released Alec from their embrace but didn’t let go of his hand, smiling mischievously. “I like the idea of catching Raphael with his new lover. Shall we?”

Alec looked at Magnus, knowing it wouldn’t be long before he truly fells in love. It doesn’t even feel like falling, not when he grabs Magnus’ hand and walk straight on to these feelings, embracing every single one of them.

“We shall.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i truly hope no one wants to kill izzy anymore, but who knows? i thought in making their talk longer, but in the end, i decided against it. i always liked to write about simple moments.   
> i also was unsure about malec's date. like, spending several days with your crush/date is not unusual in brazil and i am from this very warm place. its not the rule, we do think those people are crazy, but it happens, so don't come for me, i am too little  
> and i thought in writing about the party and having everyone meeting magnus, but this fic was about alec growing out of an insecurity of his on his own terms, not worrying about other people's thoughts (and prayers). i do know how it would play out and im thinking in posting it in a epilogue of sorts (?). but right now im only posting what i already had written, so tell me if yall want the party scene and i will write and post later, mayhaps with people making fun at saphael
> 
> hope you liked it, leave kudos or a comment, please, i am NEEDY

**Author's Note:**

> see yall tomorrow for the next chapter. i would have posted everything at once, but i got tired so i will finishing editing tomorrow


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